365 Days
by Kurt's Anatomy
Summary: It's been a year since Kurt and Sam broke up. Sam moved on, but Kurt is still clinging to the love he once felt like a lifeline. In an attempt to move on, he addresses his feelings. But is he alone?


You're Something Special

**It's been a year since Kurt and Sam broke up. Sam moved on, but Kurt is still clinging to the love he once felt like a lifeline. In an attempt to move on, he addresses his feelings. But is he alone?  
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><p>Kurt stands in front of the mirror, about to try the not slightly embarrassing routine he read about online. Verbally confessing your feelings in order to overcome them. His feelings about Sam.<p>

It's been a year since Kurt and Sam broke up. Sam moved on, but Kurt isn't sure how he was able to. He guesses that Sam's feelings weren't as potent as his own and thus it made him able to move past what seemed to be a minor blip in the relationship radar.

Kurt still clings to what once was. Stupidly, he realises. There's nothing tangible about the situation. It's been three hundred and sixty five days to the hour since the break-up…

"_Kurt," Sam says with a deep sigh, "This isn't working anymore." _

_The words were like a punch to the gut for Kurt. _

"_What? What is this about? We're fine…right?" Kurt didn't understand what befell them to kill their seemingly meaningful relationship. _

"_How can you think that this is fine? I'm barely out at school. I'm still…adjusting to life out of the closet. We tried when I was still closeted and you didn't like things like that. This time it's my turn. I can't get used to the staring and the whispering. I'm not as strong as you." _

_Kurt felt an annoyingly traitorous tear fall down face. He made no move to wipe it away. _

"_Sammy, you're strong. Those whispers mean nothing. Those _people_ mean nothing to either of us. We can deal with this. As long as we have each other, right? That was what you said. Six months ago. You said that we shouldn't care about the sticks and stones and that we should throw them back. I don't get what's brought this on." Kurt sobbed. _

"_Kurt, don't cry. Please. I can't do it. I'll always care about you. Just—." _

"_Just not in the way that I want you to. I know, I've heard that more times than I can count." Kurt said, bitterness dripping into his voice. _

"_Try not to be mad. I'm doing this for us. It would've been harder for us to be friends the longer this continued." _

Kurt honestly doesn't remember what was said after that.

His reflection blinks back at him, as if taunting him, goading him to speak freely. Once he released his feelings, there was no going back. It was in the air. The atmosphere would understand his heart. He had written extensive journals about everything he felt, but writing wasn't enough. He needed _this_.

"Sam," Kurt begins, personally addressing his boy—

_Ex_-boyfriend, he mentally scolds himself.

"It's been a year to the day since you shattered me. You broke me. You were scared, I understand that. I of all people understand that. But I don't understand why we had to suffer in order for you to feel brave. I've been over that conversation in my mind more times than you would think, but nothing fits into place."

Kurt blinks back the inevitable tears that he knows will soon fall gracelessly from his eyes. The marks of weariness and woe. With a deep breath, he continues.

"I would've chosen you over anything. I would've been anything you wanted me to be. If it only meant that I could hold you for another ten minutes, I would give anything. We seem to be creating this veneer together. As friends. But not everything's sunshine and rainbows. There's the obvious tension between us, as past lovers, but it's more than that. It's something that I've withheld from you for three hundred and sixty five days."

This is it. The closure. The moment everything has been performing a perfect crescendo in order to reach.

"I'm still in love with you, Sam." It comes out as a light gust of air, but it holds more meaning than a thousand words.

"I don't know if that means anything to you. It probably doesn't. I've said it and I mean it. I'm still not over you. The average convalescence period is equal half the time of the relationship. So, going by that theory, I should've been done seven months ago. But still, it goes on. This perpetual battle with my feelings. I can't let go. I don't know if it's an unconscious thing, but you're supposed to be in my life. There's reason I can't get over you.

"You're my soulmate. You always have been and us being apart doesn't change that. I don't think you believe in things like that and fate, but believe in love, Sam. Believe that when everything else fails, love with see you through the tough times. I cling to that, probably more than I should. I believe in love. I believe in us."

Kurt chuckles. "Only by saying this do I realise how Taylor Swift this sounds."

Pausing, Kurt hears the musical sound of Sam's echoing laugh reverberating around in his head. Residual memories are normal for this kind of therapy. It's not strange to see Sam standing behind him, or hearing him.

"I see you every damn day and it hurts. Each day gets so much worse. I see you with Brittany and I know you're best friends and she's a lesbian, but it doesn't stop the jealousy. I'm irrationally jealous of everyone you talk to, wishing that it would be me that you came to with every little problem. I'm overreaching here. That's too much to ask for, apparently. I just want you in my arms. To quote Shakespeare, "_without retention or restraint. All his in dedication." _I unknowingly dedicated my life to your existence a year and a half ago. I didn't know it then, but I was becoming yours more every day. Don't you remember the way our hands fit together. How good it felt when we kissed? The Skype calls until late hours of the night talking about food and Glee Club? Just being with you was all I needed to get through the day. Now I don't have that. I haven't had that for a whole year, and there's barely enough left of me to call myself _whole_. I'm a hollow shell, Sam. There's nothing left."

Kurt is fully crying now, the tears show no signs of letting up.

"You're the one person that I wish I had never met! I don't hate you, of course, I could never hate you. It's because you're the one person that holds so much power of me. You can cause me to feel a maelstrom of emotions simply by breathing and that scares me…a lot. I don't want to feel like this, but I will never stop loving you. Most nights I dream about you wanting me back. It feels so good but then I wake up and realise you don't. That hurts more than the break-up. Thinking that I have you again only to be confronted with your absence. I miss you. Every day it hurts. Even though I see you every day and talk to you sometimes, it _hurts_. Can't this just stop? I'm yours forever, Sam, love me. If only you would just remember why you loved me again and sweep me off my feet. We could run away. I would run away with you. Wherever you wanted to go. See, power. Well, I guess I shouldn't beat around the bush like this."

"Long story short, I'm hopelessly in love with you and you'll always think that I got over you all those months ago, but I didn't. I'm still here waiting for you and I always will be. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love somebody. You'll always be imprinted on my heart. I'm yours forever. Kurt."

He falls to his knees and sobs into his hands, confronted with the fact that everything he just said rings truth in every direction. He finds safety in the fact that he's alone…

If Kurt wasn't choking uncontrollably on his sobs, he would've heard the quiet thump of a head outside his door.

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><p>There Sam stood, having absorbed every single syllable of Kurt's inner monologue. Tears glisten on his pale cheeks, lasting reminders of what he had done to Kurt because he was <em>scared<em>. It seems pathetic to Sam.

But it was done. And they would never get that back. Sam knows that despite how Kurt felt, Sam himself would never be able to reconnect with him. After hearing such deep thoughts, he feels like Kurt _needed_ to move on for his own good and Sam decides that he will help in any way he can.

Even if it means disappearing from Kurt's life. Not completely, but enough so he'll forget.

"Sam?" Kurt whispers, still inside the room. Sam says nothing. Quietly, he tiptoes back to Finn's room, where he originally came from before his bathroom break, pretending that he heard nothing.

"I love you, Kurt. Just not in the way that you need."

Kurt would never hear his words, just as Sam will never know the full extent of Kurt's love.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: Okay, so this is really random as an update, but this holds some <em>really<em> special meaning for me and I had to write it. I think of it as personal therapy through my favourite characters. This hurt a lot to write, but I needed this. I don't even care about reviews or good reception this time. I just wanted to post this. It's a release. Thank you for reading this. **


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